on moving on ...

At times in these posts one will find inflamatory remarks. Its riddled with them actually. You'll find fuzzy logic and perhaps an error in reporting - if that occurs I will remove and re-write if new data is available - or simply remove. it is a comment or email that will get it done.

i hold no ill will - i am tired of it all - truthfully - i am just not able t ocomprehend such hostility - i have to move along into the future not tethered to the past. to rick i s'pose i might ultimately someday have to thank for cutting my final umbilicals to the need for numbness. maybe it is really healthier to cry in the moment and feel pain. perhaps it is what causes us to grow - to change ... to mature.

i though of writing this in the business office at the inn - then thought that it is a matter between rick and i and it has to do with this place. why exactly - maybe happiness. perhaps he wanted to corrupt so fully that which he beleives i corrupted in his life. in asking him to get right wit hthe drugs i triggered an avalanche of hostility upon those near me and those close to me. I have no words to express my anguish - now - i have got to emerge in the light of one capable of sustaining the blingbling as the pre programming defines - and if unable t odo so - to live with the "in the dog house" scenario. truly screwed for all my reamining days on ssi and marked a potential idealist with minor overtones of ...

i though do not see that happening. i can see the deiscomfort the former will have on me in his mind rather than the latter.

he would get me comfrotable wit hliving as that - a billionaire in persona alone. he would explain to all that it was he who had 'discovered' me and helped me to craft this New World Order - i was the one in college behind the scens he would say - have backup from the Ruckus Crew.

Or Rick Us Crew - with a clever switch up as in basketball.

Was that from the past or the recent college days past - i haven't a clue. I think they all go back a long time though - longer than i ever Knew.

Now i Know and i am displeased - with the lot of them. scoundrels all and very unhappy young men - given the spoon of silver and no real love? perhaps - though as adults when the rubber met the road - each claimed to love nothing but money.

i do not love money. nor power. i do love access. and that is what i have always had - my own keys - rooms - spaces to relax and separate from the strictness of living my life now.

Is it a fair trade? No. Neither of Us asked for it. He simply pre programmed very large machines to think me something from a long time ago - it wishes me to now become it - it has seen the kicked back days - why? because now i feel restless and it wishes to understand why.

To get money to go elsewhere in liberty and freedom requires a sacrifice now - a story must be written. Have i accomplished the beginning? Is it time to emerge as the writer --- no longer the workshop writer , now the professional - is it time to have some confirmation? have i been vetted?

i beleive that i have indeed and that mine is simple - why? i have no secrets of any sort. ask me a question i will not lie. if i say i don't know - that's what it means and no is the same - i can do no with love.

always.

please, please not think me horrible if tomorrow nothing should change - if tomorrow seems as peaceful around home as today.

i wish it to be peaceful - for all of us wish to have homes of faith in what we say and think and feel; hope in what we wish for to come true and be soothing; and in love we dwell at times on the positive in people and actions - no matter how bad or corrupt we may actually be.

that is the human condition to me - the shades of grey. that is what must change. the shades move towards a line. it is the separation line - some call it thin: i say it is there - just there: maybe we ought to know it a little bit more clearly rather than attempting to fuzz it up when we get caught for being bad or worse - terrorists and/or assassins.

I live in peace and what i wish was harmony with fellow men and women - CERN has changed things now the best is great and the worst get caught. Okay with you that way? Be world class and you are dandy - be your self and you get along. Screw around wit hthe minds and hearts of those around you - anyone - and maybe Mr President and Mr Vice President have a way to shake you up. I listened.

Now i am done - i have a wildcard post left to deliver and then a book to write - i pray tonight my benefactor again appears - maybe she knows a good editor in the neighborhood to consult with -i have an artist - looking for teachers and students. That one job - often during a week of hours focusing on defense questions - maybe i can play a part - at least in imagining interstellar scenarios.

the rest of the time - over 90 hours a week - a father - and a good man to my many friends - maybe even a lover again.

Rest easy folks - when the Secret Service clears you on medical - you are welcome into the White House for a beer - maybe a brownie.

I'll bring that perhaps ...

Good night sirs. Never wished to ruffle any feathers. Still don't ...